By
definition, the word “expectation” means “a strong belief that something will
happen or be the case in the future”. There is such an issue that no one talks
about when it comes to expectations. There is a double standard or a common
misconception when we compare our expectations of others to the expectations
others have of us. They definitely do not ride the same wave length, if you
catch my drift.
I can
speak for myself and many others that I know when I say, we have these ideas or
beliefs that a person is going to say or do something specific and when it does
not happen as we believed, we find ourselves in disbelief, shock, or even
angered. We are shocked that what we so whole heartedly believed would happen
was not made a reality. We are angered by the fact that the grade we received
was not what we expected or the promotion we believed we had secured months
prior was given to another colleague. These are our own expectations, or as I
would call them, dreams that we would like to see become a reality. What
happens when our dreams or expectations do not align with the person that we
have expectations from? We wonder how could others have such high expectations
for us and what gave them the idea that we would do such a thing or say such a
thing. We find it bizarre when our boss expects us to volunteer for a special
project with no incentives or the in-laws expect us to always travel their way
for holidays. We get offended and appalled to the point that we feel we need to
show or explain why their expectations are so far-fetched or out of this world.
How is it that we all play such different roles when it comes to expectations?
In my
life, I know that I have had some invalid or false expectations of others based
on my experiences and my beliefs. I would always ask, “How do you not know
this? We have known each other forever” when in reality it was never really
that long. My expectation was that people knew me or paid attention to my likes
and dislikes as much as I paid attention to theirs. This was wrong of me
because it was all based on my perception, my experiences, and my beliefs. I
know you see the pattern. It was all about me, me, and me. Although I have very
slowly and painfully learned that the only way for a person to know what you
expect is for you to part your lips and let your thoughts escape your body, I still
suffer from the heart ache and pain from having expectations. Now don’t get me
wrong, this does not mean to let all your thoughts flow like the Nile during
the rainy season. It means to not have the expectation if you have not made
that expectation known. Boy, don’t I wish these wise words were written
somewhere in a Book of Life. Oh yeah that’s right, there is none.
I have a
quick story that models just how expectations are formed off of experience and
beliefs. It was quite funny when I stood talking with a friend about how picky
some people could be when it comes to eating and she broke out in laughter
unexpectedly and unapologetically in the middle of our open floor plan office.
She said, “You want to know something real funny, I have been with my husband
for over 14 years now and only a few weeks ago did I learn that he would not
mix his foods on his plate and he would eat everything separately.” We were
both in a fit of giggles at this point because it was very odd to me and had me
in stitches because all I could think was “you know someone until you don’t”.
But that is beside the point, as she shared the story of how she found out, it
was apparent that expectations are a pain but can sometimes be hilarious. It
turned out that she was trying to give her husband a taste of her meal and he
kept refusing. After a few times, she barked, “What’s the matter? Do you not
want to try it?” and he responded with a stern “Yes I do but you need to let me
finish my burger.” Puzzled she asked “What’s up with that?” “Nothing. You know
I never eat two different things at once. I need to finish my burger.” The
funniest part was what came next. She explained it as a moment of awakening
where suddenly everything in the world makes sense and all the puzzle pieces
miraculously fit in their place. And at that point all she could muster was,
“So that’s why you won’t eat your fries in the car?” I thought her reaction was
priceless. Her expectation was for him to try it at that moment and his
expectation was that she should know him better after 14 years. Although she
had learned a valuable piece of information and could also tease him a bit
about it, she was in disbelief and disappointed that she had never noticed
before.
Speaking of
disappointed, I am sure that many of you have heard the saying, “Expectation is
the mother of Disappointment” and if you have not well now you have. The
disappointment that is created by these irregular expectations create pain,
anger, sadness and resentment between individuals but these feelings are
self-inflicted. We give our expectations so much power over us and we forget
that other people are individuals that are living their lives as they see fit.
I read a book called “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, and in this book
he explains how we are all living our own dream and that we create our own
characters that are played by the people around us however, it is our ideal
that molds the characters. Meaning we see them in the angle and lighting that
we want to see them obviously figuratively speaking but this brings so much
truth to our false or mislead expectations. We expect for others to live up to
the characters we created when they are not even aware that they are to play
the role. By the way, it is a very good book and I recommend you read it too.
We are
often so caught up in our own bubble that we forget about everybody else’s
bubble. We may have expectations of a person that they usually live up to but
today they do not because they are not feeling well. We often do not take into
consideration the other party in the equation. As a Mom of three, I am
absolutely horrible at having higher than high expectations for my kids. I like
the phrase, “Come on guys. You know what is expected of you.” In reality I
despise that phrase and want to kick myself every time the flood gates open and
it comes spilling out. My expectations of them are simply that, a belief or
idea that something will happen just as anticipated and then somehow someone
spills juice across the table while the other is doing homework right beside
him or her; or someone messes up their clothes as we are about to walk out the
door for school. These things may seem small to some of you but to the Mommas
out there who are nodding their heads, you know what I am talking about. But
who said that my expectations were ever going to be my reality? Foolish me for
believing so because my history on expectations is not one to boast about. I
can admit that my expectations are high and it is because I want them to be
great human beings in every way I can. But teaching them that expectations can
never be met is just passing the issue on like the baton in a relay race.
By no
means am I saying, that from this day forth I will never have any expectations
and neither shall you. I am saying that we need to be realistic and set
attainable expectations for one another. We can do this by putting ourselves in
the other person’s shoe or by opening our mouths and letting some thought be
free. Especially if they bring value to the relationship you have with the next
person. Having expectations or a standard should be used as motivation. To have
an expectation of yourself, you must give yourself the grace to slip but always
get back up. When having expectations for others, be sure to get beside
yourself and measure your beliefs and ideas with the same ruler you use for
your own. We can’t have higher expectations for others compared to what we have
for ourselves. We need to curve the standards of expectations and just how they
should be used. I found this quote from Bruce Lee that captures the heart of
this blog and it is “I am not in this world to live up to your expectations and
you’re not in this world to live up to mine”. Stay Humbled.
Written
by: Francesca Osorio
01/16/19
v
The Humbled Life 