By definition, the word “expectation” means “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future”. There is such an issue that no one talks about when it comes to expectations. There is a double standard or a common misconception when we compare our expectations of others to the expectations others have of us. They definitely do not ride the same wave length, if you catch my drift.

I can speak for myself and many others that I know when I say, we have these ideas or beliefs that a person is going to say or do something specific and when it does not happen as we believed, we find ourselves in disbelief, shock, or even angered. We are shocked that what we so whole heartedly believed would happen was not made a reality. We are angered by the fact that the grade we received was not what we expected or the promotion we believed we had secured months prior was given to another colleague. These are our own expectations, or as I would call them, dreams that we would like to see become a reality. What happens when our dreams or expectations do not align with the person that we have expectations from? We wonder how could others have such high expectations for us and what gave them the idea that we would do such a thing or say such a thing. We find it bizarre when our boss expects us to volunteer for a special project with no incentives or the in-laws expect us to always travel their way for holidays. We get offended and appalled to the point that we feel we need to show or explain why their expectations are so far-fetched or out of this world. How is it that we all play such different roles when it comes to expectations?

In my life, I know that I have had some invalid or false expectations of others based on my experiences and my beliefs. I would always ask, “How do you not know this? We have known each other forever” when in reality it was never really that long. My expectation was that people knew me or paid attention to my likes and dislikes as much as I paid attention to theirs. This was wrong of me because it was all based on my perception, my experiences, and my beliefs. I know you see the pattern. It was all about me, me, and me. Although I have very slowly and painfully learned that the only way for a person to know what you expect is for you to part your lips and let your thoughts escape your body, I still suffer from the heart ache and pain from having expectations. Now don’t get me wrong, this does not mean to let all your thoughts flow like the Nile during the rainy season. It means to not have the expectation if you have not made that expectation known. Boy, don’t I wish these wise words were written somewhere in a Book of Life. Oh yeah that’s right, there is none.

I have a quick story that models just how expectations are formed off of experience and beliefs. It was quite funny when I stood talking with a friend about how picky some people could be when it comes to eating and she broke out in laughter unexpectedly and unapologetically in the middle of our open floor plan office. She said, “You want to know something real funny, I have been with my husband for over 14 years now and only a few weeks ago did I learn that he would not mix his foods on his plate and he would eat everything separately.” We were both in a fit of giggles at this point because it was very odd to me and had me in stitches because all I could think was “you know someone until you don’t”. But that is beside the point, as she shared the story of how she found out, it was apparent that expectations are a pain but can sometimes be hilarious. It turned out that she was trying to give her husband a taste of her meal and he kept refusing. After a few times, she barked, “What’s the matter? Do you not want to try it?” and he responded with a stern “Yes I do but you need to let me finish my burger.” Puzzled she asked “What’s up with that?” “Nothing. You know I never eat two different things at once. I need to finish my burger.” The funniest part was what came next. She explained it as a moment of awakening where suddenly everything in the world makes sense and all the puzzle pieces miraculously fit in their place. And at that point all she could muster was, “So that’s why you won’t eat your fries in the car?” I thought her reaction was priceless. Her expectation was for him to try it at that moment and his expectation was that she should know him better after 14 years. Although she had learned a valuable piece of information and could also tease him a bit about it, she was in disbelief and disappointed that she had never noticed before. 

Speaking of disappointed, I am sure that many of you have heard the saying, “Expectation is the mother of Disappointment” and if you have not well now you have. The disappointment that is created by these irregular expectations create pain, anger, sadness and resentment between individuals but these feelings are self-inflicted. We give our expectations so much power over us and we forget that other people are individuals that are living their lives as they see fit. I read a book called “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, and in this book he explains how we are all living our own dream and that we create our own characters that are played by the people around us however, it is our ideal that molds the characters. Meaning we see them in the angle and lighting that we want to see them obviously figuratively speaking but this brings so much truth to our false or mislead expectations. We expect for others to live up to the characters we created when they are not even aware that they are to play the role. By the way, it is a very good book and I recommend you read it too.

We are often so caught up in our own bubble that we forget about everybody else’s bubble. We may have expectations of a person that they usually live up to but today they do not because they are not feeling well. We often do not take into consideration the other party in the equation. As a Mom of three, I am absolutely horrible at having higher than high expectations for my kids. I like the phrase, “Come on guys. You know what is expected of you.” In reality I despise that phrase and want to kick myself every time the flood gates open and it comes spilling out. My expectations of them are simply that, a belief or idea that something will happen just as anticipated and then somehow someone spills juice across the table while the other is doing homework right beside him or her; or someone messes up their clothes as we are about to walk out the door for school. These things may seem small to some of you but to the Mommas out there who are nodding their heads, you know what I am talking about. But who said that my expectations were ever going to be my reality? Foolish me for believing so because my history on expectations is not one to boast about. I can admit that my expectations are high and it is because I want them to be great human beings in every way I can. But teaching them that expectations can never be met is just passing the issue on like the baton in a relay race.

By no means am I saying, that from this day forth I will never have any expectations and neither shall you. I am saying that we need to be realistic and set attainable expectations for one another. We can do this by putting ourselves in the other person’s shoe or by opening our mouths and letting some thought be free. Especially if they bring value to the relationship you have with the next person. Having expectations or a standard should be used as motivation. To have an expectation of yourself, you must give yourself the grace to slip but always get back up. When having expectations for others, be sure to get beside yourself and measure your beliefs and ideas with the same ruler you use for your own. We can’t have higher expectations for others compared to what we have for ourselves. We need to curve the standards of expectations and just how they should be used. I found this quote from Bruce Lee that captures the heart of this blog and it is “I am not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine”. Stay Humbled.

Written by: Francesca Osorio

01/16/19 v